Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
