dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
