I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
