roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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