Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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