Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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