Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
