Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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