dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
