Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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