I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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