i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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