Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!