Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.