My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.