I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
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i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
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And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home