i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
