im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
