I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
