Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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