remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Never underestimate the power of titties
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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