I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
