Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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