i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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