She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
