theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
