My friends, they love my intelligence
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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