My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
