Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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