shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
