Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
