So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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