i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
