What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
