You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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