I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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