he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
