The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
