I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
