I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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