genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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