the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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