If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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