Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
