I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
