a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
