She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
