You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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