Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His hands were made for my vagina.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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