he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
