just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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