Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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