I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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