girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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