omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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