Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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